Tower of Guilt
by Toofdap
Summary: After the prank, is life worth living? Pairing: Remus Sirius. Warnings: Angst, slash.


Tower of Guilt

_Archive_: Padfoot...Snuffles, Azkaban's Lair, Meant to Be  
_Summary_: After the prank, is life worth living?  
_Pairing_: Remus & Sirius  
_Disclaimer_: JK Rowling owns everything, not me   
_Spoilers_: POA  
_Warnings_: Angst  
_Author's Notes_: Marauder era  
_"Sad, but it has a happy ending. Have to love angst. ...I liked the mystery added to Sirius's rescuer, even though you knew it was... edited due to fic spoiler!. Loved it."_ MK

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He stood at the top of the Astronomy tower the highest point in Hogwarts, looking down at the grass. He'd sneaked out from the dorms that night, knowing no-one would hear him leave. No need for the invisibility cloak, no-one would be awake at 2am in the middle of winter. Passing the classrooms, he had walked briskly to the tower, his heart thumping at the thought of what could happen next. 

Professor Dumbledore was already concerned for his state of mind: he could have discovered and dragged him away, he could have walked straight into Snivelus and hexed him to oblivion. He could have been caught by Filch and slammed into detention for the next three months, but he wasn't.

The cold winter's air wafting through his shoulder-length hair, he wondered why he'd never got it cut. Then he remembered, everyone preferred his hair long: or at least they had said so. The cool rush of air reminded him of the feeling he'd had when they'd discovered Remus was a werewolf: a feeling of mixed emotions, disbelief, fear, then determination to do something about it: and he had.

Sending Severus into the Whomping Willow that night, he'd momentarily forgotten what he was doing. Breaching the rules of the Marauders, he'd betrayed Remus, and risked James' life in sending the Slytherin in there.

Looking across at the tree tops, he looked for the stars. They were all he could relate to now. The Marauders, his ex-friends had cast him aside. At the time he'd thought they were being unreasonable, but he realised now they were being honest in shunning him.

He'd almost killed Snape and James, which would have resulted in Remus being expelled if not killed for attacking another human. Since that night he'd not spoken to anyone, his only conversations being with his mind: telling himself how stupid he'd been, and how much better their lives would be without him.

That's why he'd decided to come here tonight. He'd been calculating a lot, and worked out that if he jumped, no-one would be sad to see him go. That would be a lot less painful than other ways (even than getting killed in a duel with Snape).

He looked at the landscape, committing it to memory for the last time. Then, he took a breath and lifted his left foot, moving it in front of him, ready to step forward. A slight noise behind him made him pause. Turning round to see who had appeared, he saw no-one in the dark. He didn't want any witnesses to this, rather finishing it himself for them to discover the better life they'd have in the morning, no more betrayer amongst them. 

Moving his left leg again, he prepared to step off the roof top. His heart pounding once more, he stepped down into nothing, closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles preparing for the impact. 

"Mobarilis!"

Realising he was no longer falling, he opened his eyes and found himself being controlled by a wand. Being moved back onto the roof top where he'd stepped from just moments before.

Landing on the flat roof, he made to stand up, but was immediately controlled by another spell, the full body bind. Where was the wizard who'd muttered those spells? The voice had seemed emotional, scared but in control.

He realised whoever it was would be wearing James' invisibility cloak, but it certainly hadn't been James' voice he'd heard. Peter wasn't a strong enough wizard to have performed those spells.

Professor Dumbledore? Surely he wouldn't have borrowed a cloak that no-one except the Marauders knew James had... would he? Lying on the floor, pinned to the ground, he tried to speak, then remembered the spell locks your mouth as well.

The cloak-wearer approached him.  
"Why?" The voice was hoarse, still emotional, but less panic-filled than before. "Why did you want to do that?" The other person released his mouth from the spell, allowing him to reply.

"They are better off without me" he replied, "they have no need for me."  
"Who has no need for you?" came the hoarse voice  
"Sugar" he thought, "that means this person doesn't know about the Marauders". Realising he had no choice but to name the people he was referring to, he said "the Marauders," waiting for the "who?" question to follow.  
"Why wouldn't they?" 

Not expecting this question, he drew a deep breath and relayed the events of the last full moon (obviously omitting that Remus was a werewolf and not specifically giving the people names - he didn't want to make that mistake again).

When he had finished, he realised the whole spell had worn off. He could move: he still had the chance to walk off the edge. Then he paused: he didn't want a witness - especially not one who now knew most of the reasons why he'd tried in the first place.

He stared at the direction the voice had come from and asked the darkness, "who are you anyway?" He saw a fleeting movement of the cloak falling slightly. Just enough to uncover the person's hair, although the night was so dark he couldn't discern which colour it was. The person was about his height, which would make them a student, but who? The cloak fell away further, the voice becoming less hoarse now:   
"Surprising that... you not knowing who I am." In his fragile emotional state, there was no way of him recognising the disembodied voice, so he waited instead for the cloak to drop fully. 

"Remus!" his voice a hoarse whisper now, filled with shock. Why had Remus stopped him? Surely he realised he was better off without him? Didn't Remus realise that he'd thrown away his chances of a better life in saving the wretched life of the soon to be ex-Marauder?

Moving from his prone position on the stone floor, he sat up, gazing at the amber eyes boring into him. "You shouldn't have done that," he croaked at the shocked face staring into him. "You would be better off without me - all of you would. There's no room for a betrayer here."

Looking at the amber eyes again, his stare dared the werewolf to reply, willing that powerful young wizard's hoarse voice to contradict him. The amber eyes flickered, accepting his dare.

"Now you're just being stupid. Of all the Marauders, you betrayed me the most, so rightfully I should have let you walk off that wall. But..." Remus paused, his voice faltering as he tried to work out the best way of wording what he wanted to say next.

Pushing the long hair out of his eyes, he waited for Remus to continue: then at least Remus may go, leaving him free to walk wherever he wanted. As if replying to his thoughts, the werewolf's next comment was "Lets leave the tower first. By the stairs."

Still sitting on the stone floor, he refused to move. If Remus wanted to leave, that was his choice, but the werewolf had other ideas.   
"Mobilicorpus!" He felt himself lifted from the ground again, the control of Remus' wand moving him down the stairs, and back onto ground level. Remus walking behind him, they eventually reached a small patch of grass unseen from the main Hogwarts buildings, where the spell was lifted and movement restored to his body. Feeling exhausted he dropped to the ground, sitting with his back to Remus who then moved to face him.  
"Will you just explain why you didn't let me do it?"

Remus stared into him for a while, considering his reply.  
"I guessed you would try to do something as silly as this, you've been depressed ever since the full moon... Like I have been," he added. At this revelation, he looked at those amber eyes, almost wishing he could read Remus' mind.

"I had planned a little trip to the tower myself," Remus continued. "Then I noticed your bed was empty, and guessed you'd beaten me to it. I'd already borrowed the invisibility cloak from James, so I decided to investigate where you were. If you weren't up there, I was going to walk off. Like you were."

Dark eyes met amber once more as he contemplated the werewolf's admissions. "So why did you stop me?"

"Seeing you standing there, I realised your apology was enough for me to hear. If you had done it, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself. I certainly couldn't stand there and watch."  
"But you would be better off without me. I almost... almost killed you." The last words were lost in a tide of emotions.

"That apology letter you sent me took care of it. After I had it, I thought you were being... well, arrogant I suppose, but seeing you up on the tower tonight made me realise I didn't need to watch you suffer. I've heard and seen enough to forgive you for that incident."

Staring at those amber eyes, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Remus was forgiving him for that prank he'd played. The stupid act that backfired, sending his world crashing down around him. The chance was there to build the world back. But he couldn't do that alone. Only one word was in his mind, the one word that could tell a million things.  
"Thanks"

The werewolf smiled, and helped him to his feet. Protectively placing his muscular lupine arm on his shoulder, he led the way back to the dorms. It was still dark, the students still asleep. Walking back towards the Gryffindor common room, Remus stopped walking and looked at those dark eyes. They were full of emotion, he noticed. A mixture of frustration, guilt, remorse and something else... something Remus couldn't quite work out. 

Staring back at those amber eyes (which were also displaying a similar range of emotional feelings), he worked out the emotion that Remus couldn't fathom. Leaning towards him, he kissed the werewolf on the neck and then moved away quickly, scared at the reaction he would get. The werewolf looked surprised for a moment, then moved in for a long lingering kiss.

As their lips parted company from each other, he looked at those amber eyes, glinting with emotion once more. "About time." Remus was the first to speak.  
"How long?" came the whispered, relieved reply.  
"Ages. That was another thing I realised when I saw you on the tower. I couldn't live without you - if you had already jumped I was going after you." The eyes asked the next question, and the answer was immediate.  
"I've thought of you in this way ever since the first year. Your forgiveness is more than worth living for."

Climbing through the Fat Lady's portrait, they walked into the common room, hands on each other's shoulders. Together at last, Lupine and Canine, Remus and Sirius.


End file.
